Despising Shame

Should I share this with people? What if they laugh at me? What if they use our situation to shame us? What will people say about us? All these questions ran through my mind around this time last year. I was faced with a seemingly impossible situation. I was scheduled for a multiple surgical procedure that would cost nothing less that 10,000 Dollars in cash. I needed help to raise this amount and although I have previously shared on how I had been battling Endometriosis for a couple of years, I still felt tortured by shame in my innermost thoughts as I repeatedly asked myself “what will people say about me?”

I remember sharing how I felt about asking people for help with one of my friends back then and he told me “Mo, you must learn to despise shame”. I know many of us have experienced similar feelings but in varying circumstances. You see, for many people, shame dominates both our public and private spaces. But the difference between us is those who overcome and those who succumb to it. You took a risk to ask someone out on a date and got turned down. Maybe a job that you took but made you look bad. Sometime shame can center around something that is completely out of your control like where you grew up, or a family member that is not doing well, etc. For me it was a health condition that was crippling me and now a funds drive to raise 10,000 Dollars? Maydaymayday!!

I have seen that when you are a Christian, there can be a false expectation that “saved” equals “perfect.” We may place unrealistic expectations on ourselves to have our lives together to appear as if we hardly ever struggle, ever sin or are never socially awkward. We can easily display ourselves as being confident and joyful but when it’s impossible to live up to the standards we have set for ourselves or those we perceive others have set for us, we feel defeated and ashamed because if you truly lived for God, why are we sick? Why are we in need? And so on.

After much deliberation with my husband, we took a bold step of faith and prayerfully decided to reach out to people for help. At first we didn’t expect much but we would still be thankful for whatever came in because times are tough for many people. In a little while word spread across our networks, God put willingness and generosity in the hearts of people and within three weeks, we had raised over 10,000 Dollars and I was bale to have the surgery done in good time. What happened? I had to despise shame.

What I learnt is that shame aims to separate us from people. Shame is rooted in the fear of being excluded. Shame tells us that if we allow someone into the windows of our real life and they see that our lives are not as perfect as they may seem, then we are unlovable.

If then the fear of exclusion is the basis of shame, then inclusion has to be part of the cure. When people continue to love and include us no matter what we said, did or whatever circumstances we find ourselves in our shame begins to lift. When I stepped out and I became vulnerable and authentically shared this part of my life that felt shameful and watching their opinion of me remain the same and even more so the overwhelming support I received made the feeling of shame I had fade away.

Shame can cause us to shrink to ourselves. Naturally in different circumstances when I came face to face with shame, I withdraw back from people and found myself struggling with resentment and sometimes even bitterness. To overcome the shame I felt from being vulnerable, I needed to be more vulnerable and share with others what was really happening to me and when I pushed past my natural inclinations of retreating back to myself and pushed into the communities God has placed around me, I found that we were dearly loved and included and I received great help.

If you are struggling with shame, part of you overcoming will require you to be vulnerable and courageous. Vulnerability can be very scary but it’s a necessary step in pushing past fear. Look to Jesus who publicly endured and despised shame for the Glory that awaited Him and seek authenticity with people around you.

Victory awaits you on the other side of despising shame.

Hebrews 12:2 ……keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.