How Long, O Lord?

How do you wait? Do you wait well?

In my country – Kenya – we avoid waiting at all cost or minimize the amount of time we spend in waiting. In the Supermarkets, we choose the shortest checkout line and stand behind shoppers with the fewest items. We switch lanes to get around slow drivers on a highway and oftentimes, drivers overlap (a huge traffic offense) just to get past other motorists in traffic. We all have to wait for something every now and then, yet, even though we have to do it so many times over the course of our life, we aren’t very good at waiting. Are we?

That’s the same way we approach God, right? We want answers instantly, and when it doesn’t happen, we feel unloved and abandoned. In the Bible, God made people WAIT, not just for their own desires but also for the fulfilment His promises in their life. Abraham was promised that his descendants would number the stars in the sky yet he had to wait for 25 Years for his only Son to be born. God delivered Israel from slavery yet God allowed them to wander in the desert for 40 years before reaching the promised land. Noah built an Ark but then waited for decades for that flood to come. Hannah waited for years for barrenness to pass. Story after story in the Bible reminds us that God is not interested in instant gratification.

Natural cycles of Seasons teach us about waiting, they come and go – spring, summer, fall, and winter. These seasons are predictable, we trust winter is ending soon and spring is coming but we have no clue exactly when the transition will happen, how smooth or easy the transition will be, or how long each season will last.

The season God puts us in can last a good portion of our life and ultimately, the length isn’t up to us. Such has been my story. When I was diagnosed with stage 4 Endometriosis, I had no idea what the journey ahead would look like. Surgery after surgery, countless doctor’s appointments, medications, every month I remained hopeful that it would be a better month than the last – but that was not the case. I took the matter to God for years, believed God for healing, confessed the word and though God has given me peace that surpasses all human understanding, I still haven’t physically experienced the healing I have so much longed for years. At one point I as so sick the doctor thought I had cancer but God!!

With Endometriosis also came the difficulty in conception. Prior to this, with the surgeries and medical interventions, there was hope (medically) for conception until all hope came crushing down on us. The physical pain of endometriosis and the pain of believing God for a miracle has been a journey I had not foreseen nor prepared for.

Waiting on God for the fruit of the womb is a whole different journey by itself. It’s a lonely season filled with filled with all sorts of uncertainties around the effectiveness of the treatments, uncertainties about people’s reactions, your spouse, yourself and a lot of emotional ups and downs. My husband and I have waited for a while and despite great medical help, some days it has felt like help is so far away. Even though God has blessed us with an amazing daughter, yet still, there are days we’ve felt like the promises of God to fill our quiver are like eternity away. Days we’ve cried because we didn’t know what else to tell God, days we’ve slept heartbroken after every trial failed and left us financially dented. Days that I’ve battled with feeling inadequate, unworthy and isolated. These feelings are very common when your expectation of carrying your children are shattered by infertility. This season for me has felt like 4 straight seasons of winter.

Many times, I have cried out to God and begged Him to release me from this season – lol. God has always answered, but not with the message I wanted to hear. His answers are always versions of the same – an affirmation of His promise over our lives. It’s always been the same thing but without a timeline, so I wait and that has been hard for me.

TESTIMONY!

God recently reminded me that the testimony is not the babies, the testimony is Him, Him being with me throughout the season. Most of us love to idolize the destination. We want to skip the process and get straight to the blessing. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to walk with God step by step in the journey and enjoy God in every moment. This season, as hard and uncomfortable as it has been, has been a tremendous season of growth in my life. It’s in my moments of vulnerability I have experienced a deeper relationship with God in prayer, meditation and service. As I patiently wait for God’s timing, my faith has been strengthened and I’ve learnt patient endurance. I’ve experienced God’s financial provision even when the end game was not what we wanted but God provided anyway. I have enjoyed relationships – people that have prayed with us, encouraged us, people that have been with me in hospital, booked appointments for us, took me in for surgeries, visited us, God used them to comfort us. I’ve learnt to show Mercy to others, and so so much more. It’s not been a waste; I look back and God has been in every detail. 

I have sincerely tried to figure out why God would withhold a child from us. Is he disciplining us? Is he protecting us from something we don’t know?  We have never landed on an answer, but we know God is at work. Like Jesus in Gethsemane or Paul with his thorn, our heavenly Father always has a greater purpose that requires quiet obedience. Job did not receive explanations, only assurances of God’s character. God is full of surprises, and by his grace we have now found peace in whatever His plan for our lives. We have learnt to trust that we truly want what he wanted for us.

As I conclude, I would lie if I say this journey doesn’t have critics and harsh criticism. Those who think we are cursed, please pray for us. Those who feel our faith is not strong enough, remember us in your prayers. Those who feel we have not sacrificed enough, please pray for us o! Those who think we are being punished, pray for us. Those who think we have not confessed the word accurately or enough times, help us we ask. Those who think we have not prayed enough, please pray for us. Whatever kingdom secret or mystery it is you may think we don’t know, please pray for us.

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25

Sincerely,

Waiting Mum.